Lost in translation... HELP!!

So, I have grown seriously frustrated with my kids and their ability to LISTEN to what I'm saying and I don't know what to do anymore... perhaps I should come up with a different Language??  Or learn theirs??  I don't know... but here's a few examples and perhaps you guys can help me know what to say to get them to do what I want...lol  

Here goes:

When I say, go out and get in the truck, they hear: go outside play in the snow, run around a bit, and NOT get in the truck.

When I say, go upstairs and brush your teeth, they hear: Walk into the playroom, turn on the TV and plop on the couch.

When I say, Kyra, bring me the brush so I can brush your hair, She hears: go brush your own hair and leave the whole back side unbrushed, frizzy and notty...

When I say, Dinner time, they hear: NOTHING

When I say, Time for BED, they hear: time for Dessert

When I say, clean up the playroom, they hear: go to the bathroom for a really long time and then go into the playroom and play with everything instead of putting it away.

When I say, sit down and DO YOUR HOMEWORK, they hear: do cartwheels and handstands to the table, sit down and look through everything BUT homework, talk to Max and get him all riled up to the point of there being no calming him down... oh, and don't worry about doing your homework it will be ok, you don't have to get it done...

When I say, go downstairs and put all the $$ recycling in this garbage bag, DJ hears: put 1 container in the bag and come back up (took sending him down there about 5x before he got the idea)

When I say, I'll give it to you AFTER you finish your homework, they hear: take your time doing your homework and studying b/c it doesn't matter how long it takes, she's still going to show it to us or give it to us anyway... NOT!!!

When I say, no running at the bus stop, they hear: TAG, we get to play TAG!!

I think you get the point here.  Sarcasm doesn't seem to work b/c when I tell them to jump in the puddles and get soaking wet, THEY DO IT!!

And so, I am stuck here... is there a universal language for kids that adults don't understand??

Found this and I Think I need one of these to add to my collection...lol..