Today I woke up yelling at the big kids and hubby and didn't really stop at all today. I don't know what my problem is today but I need to get out of it. I feel like all I did today was yell at everyone...except Max. Today, Max didn't make me want to yell at him but everyone else did.
I think, I thought going away for a week would make hubby a little more helpful and so I keep waiting for it and hoping for it and when it just doesn't happen I get a little angry. He really did check out when I got home and he still has no desire to become a part of my world with the kids and their homework, after school activities, dishes, etc. I get that he works hard and he's used to me being and doing all that crap. But, now that I've got babies galore and preschool for Max and a new weekend job, things are going to have to change around here. I know he helps in his own way...but why do I feel like it's never enough?? I feel like I don't have time to do anything these days and I'm running on fumes here. Franny girl still doesn't sleep through the night and I am always utterly exhausted trying to hold it together. Yesterday, I picked Kyra up from girlscouts (yeah, I didn't realize it was at the library when I just gave a note to stay at school for it...thank goodness for another Mom who realized I wasn't there to get her from the school to the library) and forgot her dance bag. Thankfully she had on white leggings and the nice lady in the dance office had a leotard for her. One of her little friends had her old pair of ballet shoes and there is a big box of tap shoes, so it wasn't so bad. But, boy did I feel like the loser of the day and a failure as the mommy.
Hubby worked from home today so I didn't have to watch my baby at friends apartment...but I still didn't get anything accomplished. Franny's party is on sunday, my house is a disaster, I have no idea when I'm going to bake anything and again, FUMES... My mom will tell me just to buy the desserts. But, again, I will feel like that failure for not being able to bake for my own kids birthday. I am a baker and I love to bake so how could I not have the BEST desserts for my own kids party??? It's not even a big party...just an excuse to have some friends and family over to celebrate her 1st birthday. But still, I'd like to be able to put out my own desserts b/c they really are good!! Oh, we all know I will get it done and will be completely exhausted. And hubby feels the need to figure out when he's gonna hunt this weekend. Gotta love hunting season, right?? NOT
Fast forward to tonight...DJ has a small project due on Friday... he got the assignment while I was away and hubby decided that I would deal with it when I got home. Looked it over, talked about it and he was on board with helping DJ with it. They were supposed to work on it this past weekend but b/c I didn't remind hubby about it, nothing got done on it. And so, it needed to get done and tonight was the only night with the extra time to do it. However, hubby would have to do it with him b/c Kyra wanted to do the Polish dancing...yelling match ensues in which hubby denies saying he would do it with DJ and I was the one who said he HAD to do it with him. Jerk...yup, tonight I thought he was jerk and Kyra cried b/c I told her we couldn't go to the dancing. Dishes are piling up in the sink and the laundry I asked him to bring downstairs and start was still sitting in our bedroom upstairs. It's not like there were any kids here while he was 'working'... DJ had gymnastics and I had to take all kids with me...come on and just throw that load in instead of getting caught up in some stupid hunting or ghost hunting show (I don't know which one is worse). I hate fighting about this trivial stuff in front of the kids... Kyra and I still went to the dancing and hubby did the finalized project with DJ but I still feel like nothing was 'learned' between us. I got home and it was like nothing happened. Hubby always seems to think that nothing is wrong sometimes and life will just go on. Somethings gotta give... gonna have this baby 5 days a week soon and the other baby 2 maybe 3 days a week. Plus, this new weekend gig and I really will have no time for anything during the day. I am having a hard time figuring out when I can get to the dentist. I've already cancelled twice!!
Playdates are about to become extinct in this house unless people come to us. It is really going to be hard for me to not go anywhere or be able to be in control of getting Max from pre-school. I have someone to pick him up 2 of the 3 days but even that is not 100% guaranteed every week. What am I going to do when she can't pick him up and I can't get him?? This income is something that will make our financial lives easier but I'm not so sure it will make my mental life easier, you know?? I have to find someone for tuesdays still...have someone in mind but I have to ask. I really do hate having to ask for anything or any kind of help and perhaps that's my problem. Oh well...I will get through it somehow.
I know...not a very positive entry today but I am feeling pretty glum today. Though, I did break in to that chocolate cake today...didn't even plate it...pried the lid off and dug in with a fork (I was holding the baby, Franny crying at my feet and Max begging for a piece...but it was pure bliss while I was savoring every bite)
Positive hubby ... I know, you're thinking how could I possibly find something positive today, but I vowed to do it every day and today he was nice enough to plate some food for me and heat it up so I could eat lunch!!
Hope you all had a better day!!