Sunday, April 15, 2012
My Son...and first-born
And DJ, well, he's my toughest nut to crack and always has been for me. I don't know what makes him tick and/or how to help him in the ways that he needs it. I am often left wondering if my decisions towards his actions make it worse and I often feel as though I am failing as a mother by not being able to figure him out.
I had so many other things I could have written about tonight, but I just received an e-mail from someone who runs an activity he does. Yes, they are having problems with him in practice and we need to talk about it and can I stay during the practice. Ooooof... how in the hell can I stay at the practice, make sure he does what he's supposed to do, watch Max, make sure Franny doesn't tear the place apart and/or slide down/climb up stairs, poles, chairs, tables, etc. Oh, and make sure the little ones aren't a distraction to the other kids... ok, you all can laugh now b/c I would be that mom who would look like her head was going to explode while sweating profusely but whispering vehemently to stay back, don't move, play over there, NO FRANNY COME BACK, etc. You get my point here?? Perhaps it would be better for him not to be a part of it???
Now, DJ tells me that he really wants to do it. He gets really upset when I tell him he won't be able to do it if he doesn't pay attention. And he really gets upset when I tell him that he may not be able to do it anymore.
Geez...I just feel blah about it. And sometimes I feel embarrassed by his behavior...like it's a reflection of me and what I'm teaching him. It's not a good feeling, you know?? Some people (actually, most people) tell me he's just a boy and boys will be boys. But, there is something different about it...I know it in my gut. There's more to him and his behavior than him just being a boy. And I am constantly wondering "how do I fix it" and "can I fix it" ??
Am I making any sense??
I love my son with all my heart and I just want to be able to figure out what to do with him. I know I joke about the duct tape and stuff...but really, we need that for Franny these days:) I would like to be able to let him do things with other people and friends without having to worry about how he's going to behave while there. Every playdate he actually goes on, I worry the entire time.
Now, to make him more confusing to me, he also has the BIGGEST heart. He is the first to make sure his little brother gets a bag of candy from church, or his sister also gets a lollipop even when she's not there, or he will take out the Whoppers from his goody bag and give them to me b/c he knows they're my favorite, or he will want to run into the $ store to by his dad a plastic football helmet from the machine b/c he knows Daddy will like it, etc. He always gives me a hug and kiss before bed...always gives Franny a kiss too and not just b/c she's on my lap at the time.
And so, I need to suck it up, keep at it and hope that one day we will look back on this time of his life and laugh...right?? Please say we will laugh at it one day!!
Since this post is all about DJ, here are some pics to remember: