Some of you may know already...and some of you may not... but I went away last weekend all by myself. Yes, I know, you are thinking 'how nice to get away for a few days to relax', right?? Well...not exactly.
Yes, I was able to drive 836 miles all by myself (and that's only 1 way) with enough cake batter and frostings packed away in coolers for 200 cupcakes. Oh yes, I did. And then, I was able to bake those 200+ cupcakes without little ones underfoot for an entire day.
Though, I did manage to visit the nail salon and attend a rehearsal dinner. I also managed to put together a small wedding cake while I was at it:)
Oh, and then I got to get in the car and drive all the way home (took 2 days for the drive home) and have my bank card # stolen somewhere along the way (no worries... we were lucky and the bank noticed something was up.. our money has already been recouped).
Now, I've been away from my kids before...not often, but it has happened. And when I do get to go away, it's usually for a family function such as a wedding or funeral(though, BF...before Franny... I did manage a trip out to CA to visit my brother).
I don't know if I'm growing up or maturing into motherhood but I really was kinda sad to leave them all behind and I missed them. Never thought you'd hear me say that, did ya??
Some of us are born and ready to be mothers and some of us are not. I admit that I was not 100% ready to be in a committed relationship with my children. I know, I'm a good mom to them. I'm the best mom I know how to be at every step. Lately, I feel like I am ready to be that 100% kinda mom. I know, it's only taken me almost 10 years to get here... but let me tell you a little bit about the past 10 years, ok??
DJ was born. DJ was not a 'good' baby in the beginning. He had a great set of lungs and used them nightly from about 7pm until about 7am... he also didn't sleep/nap regularly and he nursed every 1.5 - 2 hrs. I was very tempted to call work and ask if I could shorten my maternity leave just so I could get a break from him. Don't read this the wrong way here...I love him very much... he was a tough baby. And during all these sleepless nights, we somehow manage to get pregnant with Kyra. My brain didn't know what to do with that information and failed my mental stability... became a bit depressed, lacked focus on tasks that needed to be done, lost my patience with hubby way more than was reasonable, etc. But, we got through that and she was born.. And she was a Phenomenal Sleeper and a normal eater!! Whoo Hoo
A little over a year after she was born, my dad was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer. So, again my brain could not solely concentrate on my children...it was a bit pre-occupied. About a year after he was diagnosed, we were pregnant again. But it was a pregnancy we weren't expecting. Issues with the baby (I won't go into details here... maybe another time...it's a rough one to talk about) and other things led us to decide on termination. Hardest decision of my life thus far. That was in December. My father passed away 5 months later. Yup...head still not focused on children...
But, we got through all that and we still managed to have Max about a year and a half later (I was 6 mos. pregnant while we were in Ireland for my dad's 1 year mass).
And so, we trudged along and started to get in a groove and BAM... find myself prego again. Only to miscarriage...we talk about it and decide that maybe we should go ahead and have another...I mean, what's 1 more, right?? Prego again...super psyched...miscarriage again. OK...more talk and more talk and we finally decide that maybe it's not in the cards for that 4th. I did mourn the loss of those babies as well as the 'never gonna have another one' feeling. I gotta admit, I was kind sad about that. But again, plans change and accidents (or 'meant to be's') also happen b/c Franny did make it into this world and into our family.
After 2 years of Franny (AF- after Franny) and our crazy hectic schedule, I do believe I am getting my Mommy Groove on. I am wanting to be with them and there for them in ways I never was. I am a different Mom to Max and Franny then I was to DJ and Kyra. They will probably be in therapy b/c of it, right?? I guess it doesn't really matter b/c don't we all need a little therapy b/c of our parents??
I think the point I'm trying to make here is that I went away, I missed my kids like I never thought I would, and I want to be The BEST Mom to them!! I know I'm not perfect, but nobody is. We all make mistakes, we learn from those mistakes and we move on from there.
Will I still yell?? Of course. Will I still need a break from them?? Absolutely. Will I still write about all the crazy shit they do so you all can get a good laugh?? You got it!!
I've always loved them. Never a doubt in my mind about that. But, I just feel different...does that make sense?? Or do you all just think I'm the crazy one here and why the hell doesn't she know how to feel from day 1??
If you've made it this far (thanks for sticking it out...I know it was a long one), I've got some other news!! Because of you and everyone you've passed me on to, this Blog was #6 in the Circle of Moms Top 25 NY Bloggers list!! I'll say it again- You All ROCK!!!